haiz... juz dunno wat to do wif my own life anymore... keep giving pple advice but yet fail to manage my own... feeling old, weak, useless, helpless n mostly, lonely... guess this shd be how my life was cut out to be... tot could change things by making the 1st steps... guess again... *hahaha* silly old me... how naive to think tat i could go against fate... perhaps it was all wrong since my existence... cos it din matter to anyone at all ba... so where my life is leading me to??? i dunno... juz counting my daysas they go by... no one is bothered while i'm bothered wif everyone else... so wat does this make me??? noble??? big fat hope!!! it juz makes me another stupid person trying to be "noble"... if this keeps up, think i gonna give up bowling by the end of this year ba... no point going on when there's no objective...
tot i could live wif one person cherishing my existence... alas, as usual i'm always wrong... though i shd be accustomed to this style of living liao, sometimes it juz hurts to feel tat i'm treated like a whore in geylang... need me then come... else never even bother at all... y m i always the one trying to be helpful??? who's gonna help me now??? as this endless spiral goes, my mindset deepens towards the point when suicide might be the solution... i'm not toking abt ending my worthless life... juz thinking of killing my heart once n for all... if i had no feelings, would it be better??? this is the question tat has been circling my mind ever since the AD issue... perhaps i shd have stuck to my decision then...
these few months since my overseas trip seems to have passed me by without leaving any impressions... only damages, tat's all... asking myself y, i realised is juz me trying to be kaypo... trying to be helpful... trying to be "noble"... scoring plenty of A's juz goes to show i'm juz a person who book-smart but not street-smart... having IQ but no EQ... wat's happening??? i dunno... maybe it is time to juz let everything go... maybe moving out of BP is oso another futile attempt... cos till now, i still dun c anything tat's stopping me from leaving... i dun even c anything tat's making me wanna continue bowling... inter-poly??? got gold medals aredi, so wat's the point??? earn money??? how many times can i win??? n how much is the profit??? all this equate to zero, zilch... so wat's keeping me from making the decision??? perhaps juz the stubborn side of me...
Life is a journey without a final destination... without short-term goals, it all seems very pointless... without frens, it feels very lonesome...